So two weeks ago I did one of the toughest things I've had to face: I came out to my parents! Its like going through it all over again because most of my friends know, but telling them was pretty tough. The difference here is that I never cared for what other people would say,however, I obviously care for what my family would say especially my parents. I held it in for way to long and I thought it was about time to put an end to all the lies.

It was a typical friday morning...

I went to my psch class, the last class of the week. Once it was over, I went home to take a nap because I had had a rough night and didn't really get any sleep.  I got a call from my mom, who wanted me to pick up some stuff. When I got to the salon we talked for a bit and then I just let it out. The night before I had been thinking about telling her and I did. She started crying and hugged me at the same time. I knew she wouldn't react badly to my confession, but I never told her because I feared she'd tell my dad and then he would hate me.

 I love my mom. She told me that even though its something she wouldn't want, I'm her son and she respects and loves me the same way she always has. She's worried though because not only do I face many obstacles for being Mexican-American, on top of that I'm gay. Many People look down on me for being Mexican, they like to stereotype and its hard for me to find jobs. She fears that for being Gay, I will be discriminated against even more.  It doesn't scare me, but it does worry me. A few years ago I was ashamed of being Gay for this and many other reasons, but I'm not anymore! This maybe one more obstacle in my path, but I will overcome it by embracing it! :D

My mom then told my siblings and they both accepted it. My brother is still kinda ehhh about it and says I need psychiatric help. He has issues of his own and doesn't know any better, but I know, eventually he'll come around :)  My sister was overjoyed by the news, we've always been close and she always knew I was Gay, I just hadn't confirmed it!

The one who is still having trouble with this is my dad. He said he was ok with it but then he went on to say a few things that are just too much. He knows that things like this can happen but doens't know why it had to be me?!!!! He hasn't spoken to me for about to weeks now. Hasn't visited, and hasn't called. I can understand that he is very much affected by this but @ the same time I wish he would talk to me again. I hope he doesn't hate me.  I didn't know what to do so I asked a few friends for help, and they both think that only time will tell. I wish time would go by faster so I can have a definite answer.  Once I came out, it was like all this weight had been taken off of my shoulders and I immediately felt free. "I Liberated Myself from within my own Prison"

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Update: as of yesterday, I talked to my dad. We had a very long conversation, awkward, but not so bad. He thinks I need to inform myself a little better because I can't fully explain how I know I'm gay for sure. But who does? Its just something you know, you just do! He also said: "you're Gay because you hangout with all of those Filipino Kids!!" I was like WTF??? seriously??? You can't blame anyone for you being gay??!!!!!!!!! He knows that in the Filipino community it is more common and accepted, for the most part. In fact, many straight Filipinos are somewhat flamboyant, so he thinks its rubbed off on me. I just laughed, its ridiculous!

     My whole life I've always thought that my parents played that whole "favorite child" thing.  Growing up I noticed how they always favored my siblings over me, specifically, my older brother. Today my dad came to visit us(my parents divorced a few years back and I live w/ my mom) and somehow we ended up talking about my brother.  I mentioned how I felt that my mom has always favored and still favors him.  My dad said he noticed this too, but then I said: and you do too! He paused and then said "yes, I know" and I just burst out crying, and demanded an explanation.  You see, I am the middle child in my family. I grew up on hand me downs and old toys, I never had anything of my own and I was constantly being compared to my brother. "Jessie, never did this", "Jessie wasn't like that when he was that age", was all I ever heard from my parents. Well today my dad confirmed it and said that in fact, somehow, my brother was always his favorite. He now regrets having played favorites and wishes that he would've showed the same affection towards all 3 of us.  In a way I understand why they liked my brother better. In their eyes he was the first born son and for about four years my family only consisted of my parents and my brother.  I came along when they had already been used to the idea of having one child. Another boy? My parents were aiming for a girl, they wanted the so called "pair" of children, but instead they got me! Shortly thereafter my sister was born. I'm exactly 18 months older than her, and suddenly I was no longer the "baby". They then had their first born son and a baby girl, whom they gave the title of "Princess" too, and that she became.

     I'm more comprehensive as to why they treated my sister in a more gentile manner. She's a girl and little girls deserve more attention and extra care. She was like a delicate little flower, one that had to be taken care of really well, in order for her to blossom into the beautiful young woman she is today. I love her to death.  But what I never completely understood is why they treated my brother better than me. He always had their full attention, I was just another one. My brother had many things handed to him on a silver platter. He went to a good school, was given saxophone lessons, was given a saxophone of his own, got his teeth fixed(for those who know me, you know why this is important to me),was given a brand new car, recieved allowance and then some, a child who was basically spoiled. I on the other hand, never learned to play an instrument, my teeth are as crooked as can be, don't have a car at the moment and I barely ask for money.

    I knew he was the favorite one since an early age. I was determined to win my parents over so I embarked on a journey in which I would accomplish this. I did really well in school, I did whatever possible to get straight A's and I was always on the honor roll. In high school, I did the same and was always in honors and AP classes. I excelled and was ranked 27 in my graduating class(its not top 10, but you have to understand my class was composed of over 1100 kids). With all of this accomplished and despite the fact that my brother did horrible in high school, partied 24/7(was drunk and or high half the time), graduated high school by going to summer school, and dropping out after college,my parents still preffered my brother. Oh yea, did I mention he stole money from my parents numerous times?!!!!What more did they want? What more DO they want from me?? I'm not a criminal. I'm the first person in my family to go to college and it seems like they could care less.  Once I got to college I stopped caring, and I decided that whatever I did from then on, I was gonna do it for myself and not for nobody else and certaintly not to please my parents.

     Now I know for sure that my Dad did like my brother better because he told me to my face. He also cried and begged for forgiveness. I don't hold a grudge against my dad or brother but it does hurt knowing for sure that you're parents, or at least your dad liked your Older brother better than you.  Time has made my dad realize the mistakes he's made and the consequences for having spoiled my brother.  I hope my mom has this epiphany as well.  My life is just like a Telenovela. 2 sons, one is given everything, the other is abandoned, and in the end the one they spoiled turns out to be a bad person and the good son is the one they've neglected all along.

"En esta Vida, Todo se Paga"

:c